Sometimes Mom's Struggle, and That's OK.
I think most mom's could agree with me, that once baby comes (even before that for some!) your life takes a major turn. No matter how prepared you are for baby's arrival, there's no preparation for most of it. Having a newborn, especially for the first time, can be nerve racking. I remember that I was terrified to bring my son home. I slept with him on my chest for the first few nights, because he struggled keeping his body temp normal and that scared me to death! Then once I felt comfortable enough for him to sleep in the co-sleeper ( RIGHT next to me), I slept with my hand on his chest to make sure he was breathing all night long-that went on for a very long time. I would basically sleep with on eye open and laid facing him for months! Other than those typical new mom worries, I found myself struggling most with me. Let me explain....
You have your own identity before you become pregnant. You are you. The moment you see those double lines on that pregnancy test, and reality sets in, that the most beautiful thing ever is happening in your body, you are no longer just you. You are now a package. You are now the protector of something so precious, and your responsibilities and priorities have completely changed. Don't get me wrong. NONE of this is a terrible thing, NONE of it. My son is the most important person in my life. He's the best thing that has ever, EVER happened to me, and he has been since the moment I knew I was carrying him. But no matter how true that statement is for anyone, postpartum life is not always sunshine and rainbows.
Your body is completely different after baby is born. Your mind is also completely different -you are basically an emotional, ticking time bomb. Family and friends come to visit, and the moment they walk through the door they go right for the baby. It's a natural instinct, and I'm 100% guilty for doing it, but now I know how it feels. For the moment you're proud that you created something so sweet enough, and perfect enough for people to travel to come visit. Then once those visits die down, and you stop hearing from people, the loneliness sets in. Being a mom can be very lonely. Especially when you have a newborn. You have to make sure you reach out to loved ones or find yourself some great "Mom friends" or else you will find yourself in a serious slump. People think they can't call or text, because they'll disturb you or the baby, or they think that you're too busy to chat. Well let me just nip that in the bud! My cell phone was always, and still is (most the time), on silent. If I decided to sneak in a nap with him, I'd be sure to put my phone on 'Do not disturb'. So unless you were on my favorites list, your call or text would not have disturbed us. As far as busy goes, all I did, especially for the first 6 weeks was hold him, and binge cooking shows! The lonely got so bad, that my brain started tricking me into thinking I was losing all my friends because I had a baby and we no longer had anything in common. This was FAR from the truth but I didn't 'know' that until I reached out myself. It wasn't a fun experience.
I was an emotional mess for a while. I had an unexpected cesarean section, and a not so great hospital experience overall, which at the time really, really upset me. I couldn't talk about it without crying. In fact, It took me a very long time to actually come to terms with it. I found it even harder to talk about when other friends would talk about their experiences, and how great they were. I found myself feeling jealous and then being mad at myself for not only being jealous, but because I would convince myself that my experience was avoidable, and my fault (which none of it was my fault). On top of that, I questioned my abilities as a mother-still guilty of that! It was a never ending cycle for a very long time and I still catch myself having some tough days.
I don't want to scare any moms who are expecting or others who are thinking about bringing their own littles into the world. The struggles I had, will not happen to everyone! We all have different experiences. In fact, once I was cleared by my doctor after 8 weeks I started feeling a lot better. I found being able to go outside and get some fresh air did wonders for me. Being cooped up in a second floor apartment while recovering from a c-section is not for me 🤣. I also found that I felt my best when I was holding my tiny snuggle bug so I would do that all day for as long as he would let me. I think he was about 4/5 months when he wanted to be playing on the floor more and less in my arms. But it was great therapy for me! Now those cuddles are rare, but he somehow knows exactly when I need a hug and let me tell you, those hugs are the best feeling in the world!
If I could go back and give "brand new mom me" some advice, it would be to reach out more often to friends or family from the very beginning. See if someone is available to help you get out of the house for a few hours. You won't know until you ask! Also I have some advice for the friends or close family members who don't have kids yet, and are unsure of how to interact with new moms: reach out to them as much as possible. Even just a 'Hey, how are you doing?' every few days helps a lot! Let that mom know and feel like they are still the same person they were to you before baby. Invite them places. Even though you know they might not be able to go, ask anyway. Include them as much as you can!
Eventually you start to feel like yourself again, just remember that it will take time, and often times you'll need a lot of support, and that's ok! I did eventually learn to reach out to some friends for support, and it was the best thing I did for myself! I find that I still have some struggles (I think we all do) but I'm lucky enough to have some great supportive family and friends to help me get through the toughest times.
I love my son with all my being. Everything I do, I do it for him. It sounds cliche, but its true! We need to take time to focus on ourselves to make sure we can be the best we can be for our little ones. I've learned that I need some time to myself in order to keep my sanity! It's ok to do something for yourself every once in a while. The importance of making sure we are taking care of ourselves can often get pushed to the back burner, but that can only last for so long. You will eventually find that balance-I'm working to find mine!
Most importantly, remember that you are strong, that us Mama's are strong! We're all in this together!
Your body is completely different after baby is born. Your mind is also completely different -you are basically an emotional, ticking time bomb. Family and friends come to visit, and the moment they walk through the door they go right for the baby. It's a natural instinct, and I'm 100% guilty for doing it, but now I know how it feels. For the moment you're proud that you created something so sweet enough, and perfect enough for people to travel to come visit. Then once those visits die down, and you stop hearing from people, the loneliness sets in. Being a mom can be very lonely. Especially when you have a newborn. You have to make sure you reach out to loved ones or find yourself some great "Mom friends" or else you will find yourself in a serious slump. People think they can't call or text, because they'll disturb you or the baby, or they think that you're too busy to chat. Well let me just nip that in the bud! My cell phone was always, and still is (most the time), on silent. If I decided to sneak in a nap with him, I'd be sure to put my phone on 'Do not disturb'. So unless you were on my favorites list, your call or text would not have disturbed us. As far as busy goes, all I did, especially for the first 6 weeks was hold him, and binge cooking shows! The lonely got so bad, that my brain started tricking me into thinking I was losing all my friends because I had a baby and we no longer had anything in common. This was FAR from the truth but I didn't 'know' that until I reached out myself. It wasn't a fun experience.
I was an emotional mess for a while. I had an unexpected cesarean section, and a not so great hospital experience overall, which at the time really, really upset me. I couldn't talk about it without crying. In fact, It took me a very long time to actually come to terms with it. I found it even harder to talk about when other friends would talk about their experiences, and how great they were. I found myself feeling jealous and then being mad at myself for not only being jealous, but because I would convince myself that my experience was avoidable, and my fault (which none of it was my fault). On top of that, I questioned my abilities as a mother-still guilty of that! It was a never ending cycle for a very long time and I still catch myself having some tough days.
I don't want to scare any moms who are expecting or others who are thinking about bringing their own littles into the world. The struggles I had, will not happen to everyone! We all have different experiences. In fact, once I was cleared by my doctor after 8 weeks I started feeling a lot better. I found being able to go outside and get some fresh air did wonders for me. Being cooped up in a second floor apartment while recovering from a c-section is not for me 🤣. I also found that I felt my best when I was holding my tiny snuggle bug so I would do that all day for as long as he would let me. I think he was about 4/5 months when he wanted to be playing on the floor more and less in my arms. But it was great therapy for me! Now those cuddles are rare, but he somehow knows exactly when I need a hug and let me tell you, those hugs are the best feeling in the world! If I could go back and give "brand new mom me" some advice, it would be to reach out more often to friends or family from the very beginning. See if someone is available to help you get out of the house for a few hours. You won't know until you ask! Also I have some advice for the friends or close family members who don't have kids yet, and are unsure of how to interact with new moms: reach out to them as much as possible. Even just a 'Hey, how are you doing?' every few days helps a lot! Let that mom know and feel like they are still the same person they were to you before baby. Invite them places. Even though you know they might not be able to go, ask anyway. Include them as much as you can!
Eventually you start to feel like yourself again, just remember that it will take time, and often times you'll need a lot of support, and that's ok! I did eventually learn to reach out to some friends for support, and it was the best thing I did for myself! I find that I still have some struggles (I think we all do) but I'm lucky enough to have some great supportive family and friends to help me get through the toughest times.
I love my son with all my being. Everything I do, I do it for him. It sounds cliche, but its true! We need to take time to focus on ourselves to make sure we can be the best we can be for our little ones. I've learned that I need some time to myself in order to keep my sanity! It's ok to do something for yourself every once in a while. The importance of making sure we are taking care of ourselves can often get pushed to the back burner, but that can only last for so long. You will eventually find that balance-I'm working to find mine!
Most importantly, remember that you are strong, that us Mama's are strong! We're all in this together!
Beautifully written. You really captured the emotional roller coaster of being a new mom.
ReplyDeleteI love this article. It speaks to my heart. Although I did not have PPD, I do recall the early years as extremely lonely. A lot of times I saw mothers of older, independent kids sort of forget that they, too, once struggled and that was very off-putting. Now that my kids are older, I enjoy a little more freedom but whenever I see a young mommy, I always make sure I lend a hand, hold the door, help with changing the baby, or hold the baby while she eats. These are little gestures but they mean a lot to a mother who is strong but struggling to get reacquainted with life.
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